Great Shane of Subway Domer video fame decided to sit down and simulate the 2012 Football Season on NCAA Football 2013. He took notes as he watched the Notre Dame games unfold. Dear god, he's going to die at a young age...
On to Purdue:
Week 2 – Purdue vs. Notre Dame (South Bend, IN)
Hey look, we’re unranked!! After entering the season ranked a meaningless 24th, the near second coming of the Navy debacle has officially killed the voters’ boners and now we’re not even important anymore (It’s probably because of how fat we’ve gotten over the years.) Not much has changed since 2011 as Notre Dame remains 112th in the country in turnover margin at -3. Meanwhile here comes Purdue who already has a +4 turnover margin and is top 10 in every possible category. Before you start saying “Oh man we’re fucked,” let’s check the facts here…
Upon further inspection the truth about their farce is revealed: All that shit was done against FCS Northeast. Once the fanbase cleans the collective load out of their pants it’s time for the first home game of 2012! Let’s go fuck with the neighbors!
Notre Dame wins the toss and elects to defer (are we sure this is BK coaching here?) and Purdue comes out feeling all big n shit after that victory last week. They start out passing and hit a 9 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage bringing up 2nd and inches. Surely they get the first right? Wrong, Danny Spond doesn’t give a shit and tackles the runner 5 yards into the backfield. Now with 3rd and 5 Purdue looks primed to punt, but the QB scrambles and picks up the first at their own 38. After a couple of failed option runs, they come out on 3rd and 7 and run for a huge 1st down up to the Notre Dame 38. Notre Dame struggles with the run but stops those silly option plays and brings up another 3rd down at the 35 which they then kill for no gain. Time to punt…unless you’re Purdue and you decide to go for it on 4th this early in the game. Yea.
I guess they really play to Danny Hope’s desperation to keep his job in this game. Touché NCAA 13, touché.
Well lo and behold they don’t get it and they turn it over on downs. Notre Dame gets the ball at their own 35.
Golson is still the starter and comes out with an effort that would only have BK question that decision further. He drops back left, does what looks like a fucking pirouette in the air, and throws the ball across his body to the right and it gets picked off easily. First play of the game for ND. Good stuff.
So once again Purdue has the ball at the ND 35. They throw a screen pass that ends up losing 5 yards and then try to run it up the middle and Manti Te’o won’t have it as he shuts it down for now gain. On 3rd and 15 they try to pass and it falls incomplete through the receiver’s hands. Purdue actually punts the ball this time on 4th down and drops it out of bounds at the 17
Notre Dame comes out passing again and Golson overthrows Robby Toma out of bounds. On the next play he hits Cierre Wood for about 3 yards underneath. On 3rd and 7 Golson throws late over the middle and is incredibly lucky not to get picked off again as the ball is tipped incomplete. Notre Dame is forced to punt.
Ben Turk hits a bomb of a punt from his own 10 and nets about a 50 yard punt down to the Purdue 40 where Josh Atkinson levels the punt returner before the dipshit can call for a fair catch.
Purdue comes out running on 1st down and Prince Shembo shuts it down for a gain of only 2. On 2nd they go play-action and hit the receiver in stride for about 16 yards and a 1st down heading into the 2nd quarter.
At the start of the 2nd they throw again and get the ball down to around the Notre Dame 30. Purdue tries a QB scramble at gets maybe 1 yard before Te’o stops it. On 2nd down they try a swing pass and the running back catches it at the sideline and steps out of bounds for a loss of 4 bringing up 3rd and 13 from the Notre Dame 33. On 3rd down they hit a man wide open just past the 1st down marker only to have Jamoris Slaughter hit the guy hard enough to jar the ball loose before he can control it for an incompletion. Purdue punts the ball and it goes into the end zone.
Golson and company come out at the 20 and Golson starts the drive off on a QB scramble for 12 yards. On the very next play he tries it again and it loses 2 yards. On the very NEXT play he does the same shit AGAIN but for no gain this time. And then on 3rd and 12 Golson holds onto the ball for way too long and gets sacked nice and pretty-like. Notre Dame is forced to punt from inside their own 20 and Ben Turk comes up huge again dropping it right at the Purdue 40.
Purdue runs the ball on 1st and promptly picks up 13 yards to the ND 47. They then try a screen pass that maybe gets 1 yard. After a QB scramble for about a yard, Purdue comes out on 3rd down and tries a dump-off pass and it goes NOWHERE. But then on 4th down and 9 Notre Dame jumps offside…yea, holy fuck…luckily the down and distance remains 4th and 4 and Purdue lines up to punt again, only this time Danny Hope gives EVEN LESSS of a fuck and decides to call a fake punt/pass over the right! In your face, Notre Dame!! However, much like his career, it goes way overhead of everyone involved and Notre Dame gets the ball at their own 41 on downs.
On first down Golson tosses a bomb downfield to Goodman where it gets knocked down by the Purdue defender. On the next play a crossing pattern gets deflected as well bringing up 3rd down. So now on 3rd down, just when this offense is starting to smell like shit, look like shit, and possibly feel like shit, the team decides it’s time to get their shit together and do what they know works. Golson promptly snaps the ball and launches a deep ball to, you guessed it, ROBBY TOMA, who makes the catch and takes it down to the 4 for a 1st a goal (TOMA TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!) So on 1st and Goal now Golson does another fucking turn-thing-pirouette or whatever in the pocket and launches it across his body where it falls harlmessly to the grass. On 2nd he comes out with a 5-wide set and everyone in the fucking stadium knows hes going to run it himself, which he does and gets tackled before going anywhere for a loss of 3 to bring up 3rd down at which point they take a time out having exactly one minute left in the half.
From the timeout Notre Dame once again lines up with 5-wide only this time they try a screen to John Goodman of all fucking people, and he doesn’t do shit with it bringing up 4th down. On 4th they line up to kick but not before milking the clock all the way down to :09 seconds and they put it through to go up by 3 on Purdue.
Following the kickoff Purdue has 6 seconds left and they simply run the football to kill the clock and go into halftime down 3-0 to Notre Dame.
Needless to say Brian Kelly is probably on life support around this time.
So after halftime Notre Dame gets the ball first. On 1st down Golson hands the ball off to TJ Jones?? on the first attempted run of the game by the Irish which goes for no gain. On 2nd down Golson hits a strike to Toma over the middle for 9 yards. On 3rd down Golson and company FINALLY remember they have a fucking running back and they hand it off to Wood who breaks it for a 12 yard gain to their own 47. On 1st down they hand it off to Wood again who picks up about 8 yards. “Hey look we’re doing the running carry thing in the game now, mom!!” says every child in America who could have thought of this earlier.
Now at the Purdue 45, Golson passes over the middle and it gets tipped down by the defense. On the very next play he hands off to Wood and he does almost exactly what he did last year to Purdue and busts it up the middle for 25 down to the 20. On the next play Golson targets Tyler Eifert (HALLELUJAH!!) in the end zone, but he catches it out of bounds. On 2nd down Golson hits Wood on a screen pass left, which was sniffed out by the defense and he’s dropped for a loss of 5 to bring up 3rd and 15. On third down Golson finds Goodman over the middle, but almost hilariously he catches it and runs backwards toward Golson. So instead of getting the 1st, Goodman single –handedly brings up 4th and 2. Awesome. Brian Kelly isn’t trying to fuck this one up so he lines them up to kick the FG and it goes through the uprights to take a 6-0 lead.
After the ensuing kickoff, Purdue comes out to play busting a scramble open up to the 50 yard line. They then follow that up with a 4 yard gain. On 2nd, the QB scrambles again to pick up the 1st, but this time he pays for it as Te’o comes in and crushes him temporarily taking him out of the game. With the back up in, Dan Fox decides to welcome him to the game and wrecks him on the next play for a sack. After throwing the ball away as a result of pressure on 2nd down, Purdue comes out on 3rd down still having their backup in the game and he drops back to pass only to look up and find Danny Spond ready to destroy him. Which he does. And he enjoys it. 4th down, Purdue is forced to punt. Riddick finally gets to return his first punt of the day from his own 11 and takes it up to the ND 28.
So now with the 3rd quarter winding down, Notre Dame comes out on 1st down. On the first play they try a speed option play and lateral to Wood who takes it maybe 3 yards before getting taken down. On 2nd they line up in a 5-wide shotgun set. Off a play action run-fake by Golson, he drops back to pass only to then actually run it up the field and pick up a cool 22 yards to the 50. On 1st down now, Golson is quickly sacked for a loss of 5. On 2nd down he hands the ball off to Wood who picks up 13 yards to bring up 3rd and 2 heading into the 4th quarter.
To start the 4th with a 3rd and 2 Kelly calls a pass for some fucking ungodly reason to Davonte Neal who manages to drop it. Bring on the punt team.
Following a touchback, Purdue comes out and tries a screen only to find Bennettt Jackson who drops the pick AND doesn’t grab the backward pass/fumble either! Fuck fuck fuuuuck! Following a failed scramble by the now-returned starting QB, Purdue is faced with 3rd and 16 inside their own 15. They drop back to pass and Austin Collinsworth (yea, I wish) is there to break up the pass and forced them to punt. Riddick brings the punt back into Purdue territory at the 46.
Golson leads the troops onto the field and on first down, scrambles for a gain of 9. He follows that up with a pass on a crossing pattern to Toma who turns it upfield and finally gets taken down at the Purdue 15. Golson draws a defender offside with his cadence and sets up 1st and 5 from the 10. On 1st down they call a counter hand off to Wood who takes it and brings it all the way down to the ½ yard line where on 1st and goal Wood takes the handoff and plunges into the end zone to go up 12-0. As you can imagine Kelly is going for two here. On the 2-point conversion, he calls a sneaky little zone read during which the defense stays keyed on Golson and Cierre Wood essentially walks into the end zone untouched. 14-0 Irish with 3:00 to go in the game.
Purdue takes the ball from their 25 after the touchback on the kickoff and on 1st down Louis Nix III takes the QB down for a 1-yard sack. On 2nd down Stephon Tuitt is left painfully unchecked he destroys the QB for a loss of about 10. On 3rd down they pick up 11 but it’s not even close to enough as they are forced to punt on 4th and 10. Riddick takes to punt back to the 50.
On the next drive Notre Dame is aware of the potential victory and begins to kill clock by running the ball. After 2 decent runs by Wood, 3rd down comes up and Golson decides to pick it up through the air by hitting TJ Jones on a slant, forcing Purdue to begin exhausting their timeouts. With the first down and essentially the game in hand, and only about a minute left in the game, Golson proceeds to hand it off to Wood who decides one year with and highlight play against Purdue isn’t enough and does a disgusting spin move on a defender to take a short gain and turn it into 20 yards. Notre Dame gets down to the Purdue 15 and decides to take a knee to kill the clock. Game over. 14-0 final score.
So once again it’s a long evening of game tape review and 24-Hour Prevacid for Brian Kelly after his team struggled to put jack shit together in this one. I’m still seriously confused as to why arguably our best player has yet to touch the fucking football. Eifert came is as one of only two All-Americans on this Irish team and he’s been entirely absent from our offense thus far. Luckily that slack has been picked up by a very capable Robby Toma thus far. Our defense came up big in this game so kudos to those guys, especially the Linebackers and they were all over the fucking place. All in all a shut out is great, but fuck if we’re going to get away with this garbage against Michigan State or Michigan…
All in all a pretty shitty day stat-wise. Golson was terrible, Wood was decent and Toma did alright, but nothing spectacular. This does not bode well for week 3 ladies and gentlemen. It’s about to get nasty…
Golson: 8/17, 109 yds, 0 TD, 1 INT, 47% completion, 4 sacks
Toma: 3 Recs, 87 yds
Wood: 10 Carries, 90 yds, 1 TD
Is it bad that I almost had a panic attack while reading this and the navy game? What is happening to me?!